If Andrew Breitbart Edited It

by zunguzungu

The always excellent Amanda Marcotte has been tweeting movie and book reviews if they were edited by Andrew Breitbart, the right-wing hack who doctored a video to get an innocent woman fired (or merely passed along fraudulently doctored video) for petty political gain, and in the face of whose transparent dishonest our president and the entire mainstream media are, at the moment, quivering helplessly. Some of hers:

  • “American Pie” is a testament to sexual abstinence
  • “Jaws” is a diatribe against the Endangered Species Act.
  • “Night of the Living Dead” – Arizona citizens are besieged by shiftless Mexicans in an isolated farmhouse. “ET” demonstrates the necessity of a harsh government response to illegal immigration.
  • “Milk” illustrates why gays should stay out of politics.
  • “The Stepford Wives” shows why feminism is dangerous for women.
  • “Carrie” shows that we all need Jesus in our lives.
  • The Scarlet Letter is about good American values attacked by radical feminism
  • “The Crucible” argues that you must come down on witches with a swift fury or they will curse your crops. “12 Angry Men” laments how liberalism has caused our justice system to go soft.
  • “Brokeback Mountain” is about how gay men aren’t to be trusted.
  • “The Accused” is a morality tale about the dangers of false rape accusations.
  • “To Kill a Mockingbird” is about corrupt lawyers fomenting racial unrest. Fire Atticus!
  • “Glory” is the sequel to “Birth of a Nation”.
  • “JFK” is about how Nixon should have won the 1960 Presidential election.
  • “Dr. Strangelove” glorifies the nuclear arms race.
  • “Easy Rider” is about how dirty hippies have it coming.
  • “The Apartment” glorifies the life of the corporate rat race and the executives who rule the roost.
  • “Norma Rae” lambasts unionizing as the worst thing that could happen to the American worker.
  • “Deliverance” is a heartwarming tale of city slickers learning how to love from salt-of-the-earth rural folks.
  • “Dances With Wolves” is about how subjugating Native Americans was all for the best.
  • “The Grapes of Wrath” is a diatribe about how the only solutions are free market solutions.
  • “Inherit The Wind” is about why creationists are right, and evolutionary theory is Satan’s work.
  • “The Shining” glorifies the nuclear family as the only decent way to raise children
  • “West Side Story” is about why a little racial animosity works out so well for everyone involved.
  • “Annie Hall” is about why it’s dangerous to educate women.
  • “Apocalypse Now” is about how war is a morally uplifting adventure.
  • “In The Heat Of The Night” is about the dangers of affirmative action.
  • “It’s A Wonderful Life” is about why big bankers are great, and why suicide is painless.
  • “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” is about what’s wrong with interracial marriage.
  • “Citizen Kane” is about the spiritual fulfillment one gets from capitalism.

Anyway, what’s really funny about this exercise is to ask yourself how many of these books and movies actually support this reading. The Scarlet Letter, for example, is a lot more reactionary than most readings of it tend to realize, and the entire ethos of (the original) American Pie is at least about being able to abstain from having your pie and eating it too, so to speak. I also feel like Easy Rider sort of is about how the dirty hippies have it coming, or at least makes it seem like their moral decadence brought their fate on them.