Bristol Palin Goes Solo
My former adviser — from whom my writing drew the noble style for which I have been honored — alerted me to the following story:
According to the Associated Press earlier this week, “Bristol Palin is hitting the speakers’ circuit and will command between $15,000 and $30,000 for each appearance.”
Palin, age 19, will speak on a variety of subjects, just like her mother–Alaska’s self-made cash cow–who is wowing Tea Party audiences around the country for six-figure fees. The website of Single Source Speakers lists the topics of Bristol Palin’s expertise as the following: abstinence, nuclear proliferation, climate change, derivatives, foreign affairs, abstinence, potty training, single parenting, solo sex, abstinence, and office management (the AP announcement notes that Bristol currently works in a physician’s office in Anchorage).
For an added fee, Palin will hold her son, Tripp, in her arms during any speech she delivers. Palin, whose IQ is listed as 142, has decided to forgo higher education because she is already—like her mother—an authority on every subject of interest to ignorant Americans. Rumor has it that she is negotiating a contract with one of the major TV networks to comment on international issues of interest to other abstaining teenagers.
Bristol Palin achieved Rock Star status in 2008 because—unlike any other teenage girl in the history of the United States—she unexpectedly became pregnant, all to the delight of her parents who realized that their unknown daughter suddenly was a bankable asset. Conservatives see Palin as an example of the success of abstinence programs because as soon as she was pregnant, she began to abstain. “I don’t know what happened,” Palin said, once she discovered her condition. “We were in the back seat of the automobile, and the next thing I knew was that I was on stage at the Republican Convention and everyone was cheering.”
Before the election of 2008, Bristol Palin had name recognition equal to Anne Frank, Shirley Temple, and Anne of Green Gables. At their party’s convention, Republicans were thrilled to see their icon of family values and proof that contraception is not only bad for Africans and Haitians but also Alaskans.
“It’s been quite an exciting eighteen months,” Palin recently observed. “If one baby can turn my life around like this, why not have another?”
(Charles Larson is Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.)